My story of MISCARIAGE and overcoming dark times.

      Wow! Never thought it would take me years to write about these very hard times. I can say fear kept me from writing my story. Fear of people looking down at me and feeling like I did something wrong. Could I have prevented my three miscarriages? Was this my fault? The guilt and shame were real. Loneliness shadowed over me for years. Would this feeling of sadness ever go away?  

   In 2008 my partner and I found out we were pregnant. There was a lot of excitement. A couple of seconds after there was lots of fear and worry. Telling our family made us feel anxious. How were we going to afford a baby knowing we were already struggling in a tiny efficiency in Miami? A load that evening was dropped on my shoulders. All these thoughts racing in my head were weighing down on me. We finally told everyone. I felt a bit more relieved. I couldn't believe we were bringing a new life to this world. I scheduled my first OB/GYN appointment. Shortly after that, my partner and I went out to celebrate. By this point I was six weeks pregnant. While we were eating at the restaurant I felt to go to the bathroom. I started to feel a very similar feeling in my body. Almost like when you get your monthly friend. My heart started racing. I knew very little about the pregnancy process, but I did know that this feeling was not good. That night my life was turned upside down. I came out of the bathroom feeling numb, confused and didn't know how to a fake a smile. Tears started rolling down my face. I had to walk through a crowded restaurant unnoticed. As soon as I sat down my fiancé knew that something was wrong. He held me. That's when I really let out a cry that seemed like a waterfall of tears. I was miscarrying. I instantly felt lonely. Would I ever get over this lost? Could I have done something about it? I was angry. I never wanted to get pregnant again. Was this Gods way of punishing me? I was mad at him too. At that time, I didn't know that women can have some spotting or in some cases their full-blown periods while being pregnant. For me that was not the case. My heart was broken. I Miscarried twice in the next couple of years while trying to have a baby. It never got easier but I knew that it was not my fault. I can say that this experience was one of the hardest things I've ever had to endure. I overcame this difficult time with the support of my partner, family and holding near to my faith. I now have three beautiful children. They bring so much joy and happiness to our lives.

       If you find yourself in the same situation or if you know of anyone going through a miscarriage, please know that you are not alone. If you do not have family support there are programs in every state that will guide you through this process. I will add a link of some of the programs in my state. I will also add a link with information and articles that can help you to be more knowledgeable about miscarriage and its process. My heart goes out to those who have experienced this and I'm so very sorry. I know that we can stand together and support one another.

-Your friend-

Noemi Causseaux-not your typical RICAN